February 9, 2026

Hiring Horrors & the ‘Vampire’ Problem

The real horror story? Bad hires that won’t die

So archaeologists reconstructed the face of a 17th-century ‘vampire’ who’d been decapitated after death to stop him rising again. Brutal, but oddly relatable if you’ve ever tried to recover from a hire who quietly drains the life out of your team long after their onboarding cupcakes went stale.

I’ve seen it before. A scale-up brings in a rockstar-ish Head of Engineering—CV looks like it spent years in a Michelin kitchen, all pristine technique. Three months later? Half the team’s morale is in the gutter, delivery’s slipped, and Slack’s more passive-aggressive than a school parents' WhatsApp group. But nobody acts fast enough. Because it’s awkward. Because ‘they just need more time’. Because 'maybe it’s a phase.'

Let me save you the garlic and holy water: some hires aren’t just bad—they haunt your business if you don’t bury them properly.

The undead hire: Why some roles won’t stay dead

Some perceived-to-be promising hires never land—and worse, their impact lingers. You’ve probably seen the signs before:

• Morale nosedives—but no one speaks up directly
• Comms slow—Slack threads devolve into cryptic messages and confusion
• They ‘own’ their corner, but collaboration dies
• Every retro is a polite funeral for broken workflows

And yet... you keep them. Because firing’s hard. Because hiring again is harder. Because it’s not technically their fault—they tick boxes, update JIRA, smile on Zoom.

This isn’t just about individual underperformance. It’s about organisational drag. These are cultural vampires: folks who suck energy, spark, and innovation from the teams around them—without obvious blame.

How you accidentally hired a vampire

Let’s be honest: you didn’t hire a bad person. Most vampire hires aren’t malicious. But they are often misaligned, unsuited, or parachuted in too early or too senior for where you are.

Here’s how that often happens:

• You hired for pedigree, not context fit. Ex-big-co leader in your startup? Scroll-worthy LinkedIn, but can’t move without committees.
• You moved too quickly. Panic hiring leads to culture mismatches disguised as “good availability.”
• You over-indexed on skills, under-indexed on attitude. They knew Terraform cold… but couldn't mentor to save their life.
• You outsourced the search. But didn’t really brief the agency—so they keyword-matched you into oblivion.

The result? At best: friction. At worst: a team that starts to slow bleeds retention and culture.

Undead impact: What happens if you don’t act

Allow me to borrow wisdom from the horror genre: the longer you avoid confronting the monster, the more powerful it becomes.

In hiring terms, here's what inaction costs you:

• Opportunity cost—The right hire, who could be scaling with you, is out there marinating in someone else’s offer stack.
• Reputation cost—A single culture misfit in leadership can push out high-performers quietly.
• Financial drag—The “cost of a mis-hire” isn’t just salary—it’s productivity, team attrition, lost momentum.

Just like the 17th-century villagers took dramatic action to keep the vampire down, modern leadership needs to face difficult decisions faster. Stop managing around toxicity. Start managing through it.

Van Helsing’s hiring playbook: Prevention beats cure

Look, we’re all trying to grow sustainably. No one wants the drama of ‘vampire hires’. The good news? There are ways to spot and stop them early. Here’s your toolkit:

1. Get radically honest about your stage

Are you ready for a heavyweight strategist or still in the trenches? Hire accordingly. Misalignment kills faster than incompetence. Ask:

• Where will this person spend 70% of their time in the next 6 months?
• Do they get energy from that kind of work—or just tolerate it?

2. Prioritise signal over sparkle

Hiring managers: Fancy CVs can mislead. Focus on behaviours, not buzzwords. Use scorecards. Dig into specifics. Ask for:

• Concrete examples of influencing up/down
• Evidence they’ve built teams, not just managed functions
• Stories demonstrating learning from failure—not just wins

3. Test for cultural danger zones

I’m always wary when a candidate describes every past job as full of problems. Were they unlucky across five roles—or just hard to work with? Culture is a two-way street. Have someone outside the hiring line test for:

• Humility in feedback
• Willingness to do grunt work
• Flexibility in ambiguity

4. Timebox high-stakes hires

Too many leaders use probation like a dusty fire extinguisher: only in an emergency. Instead, make it active. Structure it. Review early. Define non-negotiables. If you sense deep misalignment in month one, don’t wait for a post-mortem.

If you need help running this properly—let’s talk. We’ve helped enough teams avoid costly Rehab Hires™ after ghoulish recruitment detours.

Don’t bring a stake to a spreadsheet fight

Hiring talent isn’t vampire-hunting—though some days, it feels close. But you can build systems to reduce undead hires. Don’t let ‘team fit’ get buried under jargon and speed. Don’t let bad hires live on too long. And for goodness' sake, don’t be the founder who gets haunted by culture decay they could’ve prevented.

If you’ve got a tricky hire you’re unsure about—or want to sharpen your hiring instincts before the fangs come out—slide into my inbox. Trust me, decapitation costs more than prevention.

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